We’re home. It’s both a breath of fresh air and a strange nauseated pit in my stomach. We’re home, now what?
When I gave birth 11 weeks ago there was a similar reaction to bringing Landon home. As new parents, we had and still have a lot to learn. But the great thing about being a first time mom is that God seems to grant a sense of peace about the whole thing. I was tired and stressed out for sure. I had a bit of the baby blues during his colicky weeks of endless crying. But overall I felt like, “I’ve got this.”
Bringing your baby home from the hospital after 11 days of uncertainty is a different feeling. I can’t say that we have it even close to the worst of anyone. Our babe is home and smiling and as far as we can tell at this time he will be perfectly fine. 11 days is nothing compared to the time a lot of families spend in the hospital fighting illness with their little ones. But I feel like we got a taste of something really awful that can’t be put into words and I can’t seem to get that taste out of my mouth.
When I walked into Landon’s nursery this afternoon I realized how overwhelming it all really felt. I was instantly transported back to a moment of complete chaos in the hospital – sobbing, wonder, helplessness. Days of no answers and him getting increasingly sicker with a team of frantic medical staff surrounding him. Would I bring my baby home? Standing in his room sent a cold wave of “What ifs” through my body.
But we’re home. And it’s good. And I’ve already taken his temperature to “be sure”. And we still don’t know, nor do I expect we will ever know, what made him sick and caused his Kawasaki Disease. I think that’s the hardest part. Nothing to blame. Nothing to avoid next time. Just pure paranoia because all we know is that a terrifyingly rare illness was lurking around and somehow it found my baby.
And now we resume regular life like the worst imaginable thing didn’t almost happen. Because it didn’t and we’re blessed to be here together for however long we have here on earth. The memory of this will fade but for now it is still painfully present on my mind.