We’re home. It’s both a breath of fresh air and a strange nauseated pit in my stomach. We’re home, now what?
When I gave birth 11 weeks ago there was a similar reaction to bringing Landon home. As new parents, we had and still have a lot to learn. But the great thing about being a first time mom is that God seems to grant a sense of peace about the whole thing. I was tired and stressed out for sure. I had a bit of the baby blues during his colicky weeks of endless crying. But overall I felt like, “I’ve got this.”
Bringing your baby home from the hospital after 11 days of uncertainty is a different feeling. I can’t say that we have it even close to the worst of anyone. Our babe is home and smiling and as far as we can tell at this time he will be perfectly fine. 11 days is nothing compared to the time a lot of families spend in the hospital fighting illness with their little ones. But I feel like we got a taste of something really awful that can’t be put into words and I can’t seem to get that taste out of my mouth.
When I walked into Landon’s nursery this afternoon I realized how overwhelming it all really felt. I was instantly transported back to a moment of complete chaos in the hospital – sobbing, wonder, helplessness. Days of no answers and him getting increasingly sicker with a team of frantic medical staff surrounding him. Would I bring my baby home? Standing in his room sent a cold wave of “What ifs” through my body.
But we’re home. And it’s good. And I’ve already taken his temperature to “be sure”. And we still don’t know, nor do I expect we will ever know, what made him sick and caused his Kawasaki Disease. I think that’s the hardest part. Nothing to blame. Nothing to avoid next time. Just pure paranoia because all we know is that a terrifyingly rare illness was lurking around and somehow it found my baby.
And now we resume regular life like the worst imaginable thing didn’t almost happen. Because it didn’t and we’re blessed to be here together for however long we have here on earth. The memory of this will fade but for now it is still painfully present on my mind.
The baby is kicking periodically as I type this. His activity patterns change every few days now. For the past few days he’s been really active in the morning. I never get tired of watching my stomach. He seems to respond to my voice a bit. If I talk to him right after he kicks/moves he’ll move again in a quicker motion. If I don’t say anything it will usually just be those one or two kicks with some time in between the next. It feels like a little conversation. It makes me anxious for him to get here – to hold him, see him, know him. Other mothers keep telling me that I’ll miss the feeling of having him with me and all of his little movements. I know I will. It already feels so strange wanting him HERE right now but also wanting to keep him all to myself. I’m trying to take it all in right now and I’ve been enjoying it so much. I really have enjoyed being pregnant so far and I feel blessed to be able to say that.
This weekend will be for hanging out inside, cleaning, laundry, working on baby registries and shower guest lists, working on Pure Romance, cuddling, Netflix, bubble baths, hot chocolate, hanging out at my Parent’s house and overall relaxation. I’m going to savor every second of it.
As we head into 2015 I find myself looking back on 2014 with a lot of love. This year was pretty wonderful. I found a hobby, passion, confidence, and an entire new group of friends through aerial silk classes and group fitness. Nate and I celebrated 4 fantastic years of marriage. I dyed my hair pink and blue. I started my own business with Pure Romance and had a super successful launch party to kick it off! My favorite cousin came to visit and stay with us for a while. We went to an insane amount of concerts and festivals – Bruce Springsteen, Jason Isbell, Dwight Yoakam, Jack White, Manchester Orchestra, Saves The Day, Say Anything, Bayside, Anberlin, 500 Miles to Memphis, Band of Horses.. and more.. I know I’m missing a few! We tailgated and hung out with our friends a ton. We found out we are going to have a baby in May 2015! We saw our sweet baby for the first time and heard the heartbeat. We announced it to the world. My parents came to visit and look at houses – because they’re moving to Kentucky! We found out we are having a boy! We rearranged our living room and started preparing our office space to be a nursery. We celebrated Christmas for the last time as a family of two.
This year we also said goodbye to our sweet baby bunny, Freckles. We found out while we were gone on our trip to Washington D.C. that he had passed away. We are still not home at this time and I know it will be so hard to go home to his empty cage. I hate that we weren’t there, that we don’t really know why or what happened. We had just let him out a few nights before to play and lay by the Christmas tree. I will miss him so much as we go into a new year without him.
But we have a lot to be thankful for and I am so looking forward to the year ahead of us. My parents will be moving to Kentucky in the next month or two, our baby will arrive in May, and our lives will be forever changed. We have a lot to do to prepare for all of the changes coming our way and I couldn’t be more excited!
Our New Years Eve will be spent in a hotel room recovering to fly home on Friday. Nate and I have been sick since we arrived in Washington D.C. and yesterday we found out that Nate has Pneumonia. It’s been a rough vacation – but we are still so thankful. This baby makes everything okay.
Happy New Year, friends.