People tell you when you get married (or you hear it in movies, books, wherever) that the first year of marriage is the hardest, and I’m here to tell you that it’s the truth. I think it’s hard for different people in different ways. Everyone struggles with money but for some that’s at the top of the list. Some struggle with friendships and not wanting things to change in that aspect. And some might have issues with keeping their own identity while now technically becoming “one” with another person. There are a ton more, but these are some things we struggle with at times that I can think of off the top of my head.
Over the last few months I’ve been very grateful to be closer with friends again and to have a lot of get togethers. I’ve been focused on trying to create oneness in seperate groups of friends, focused on trying to force people to get along, and focused on trying to build the kind of “I’ve known you forever, we’re BFFs” type of friendships with people I’ve only recently met. None of these are bad things to want, and they’re certainly human. But, when you’re married you have to remember that the person you are married to is your number one focus. Sometimes it’s easy to forget where you are in your life and get caught up in friendships and drama- just plain silliness. And regardless of whether you meant it that way or intended for it to come off like that- there it is. And not meaning to hurt someone doesn’t really matter a whole lot in the end.
From here on out I need to remember that in going from being a teenager, to my twenties, to a married woman- I have to focus on my Husband. This doesn’t mean we can’t have friends or have fun. But get togethers and group outtings, he said/she said, and why aren’t we invited?- these things are not my priority. I’ve accused other people of not growing up and I think I had better make sure I’m a grown up myself before I point fingers.
And now, my birthday letter to Nate that I never got to write:
Dear Nate,
Happy 24th birthday to you my sweet husband! This is the first birthday that we’ve spent together as a married couple and it feels like the time has flown to get us to this point. I can’t tell you how happy I am to have spent another entire year of your life with you, or how happy I am to see what happens over the course of the next one. I’m still in shock that we have this life, this perfect life here together. We came from a pretty unconventional situation and somehow everything turned out to be wonderful- no matter what we’ve faced it seems that nothing can hurt us.
We haven’t even been married for a year yet, but already I’ve learned so many things about us and I believe we’ve become so much stronger in just this short period of time. I know that in a few short months when we have our first anniversary I will be able to say that we have grown even more, and I hope you feel the same. I’m sorry for the times where I’ve been selfish or more worried about petty things vs. your feelings or my time with you. I would never want to intentionally make you feel left out or put on the back-burner. No matter how many things we’ve learned about each other so far I know that we will continue to learn more and more about how to make one another as happy as possible, and I’m so excited for that.
We’re still learning how to be out on our own. Still learning about how to keep up with everything that life brings while still keeping each other number one. But so far, I’m pretty proud of us in this area. We may not always have food in the house and sometimes the dishes and laundry are piled to the ceiling- but all that matters to me is whether or not I get to spend time with you. Those things can wait. (except when we’re both out of clean underwear .. that can’t wait.)
Since your last birthday I’ve enjoyed: building a house with you, planning a wedding with you, getting married to you, traveling to Hawaii aka paradise with you, working on a 365 project with you, spending hours on the couch on the weekends with you, making dinner with you, going out on dinner dates with you, having game/computer nerd time with you, playing with baby Biscuit bunny with you, discussing the thought of adding to our family in a few years with you, planning our Chicago trip with you, and countless other things (with you). I could name them all, like.. “buying toilet paper with you” .. but I feel that could be overkill.
What I mean to say is that I couldn’t live this life without you. And even though there are things that we like to do apart or with other people, in the end I just want to be with you.
I love you Nate. I hope that this next year of your life is the best one yet, and I can’t wait to be here with you for all of it.
Love,
Your Wife
Sounds like you're right on track for the "first year issues" to me. We struggled w very similar situations. Once we refocused and clung to each other, we lost some ppl but our marriage got stronger. Cute letter and great insight. 🙂
Thank you, Kalen. It always means a lot to have my feelings validated by a friend, but especially by someone who's just a few steps ahead of me on a similar path. =)
Happy birthday, Nate! Hope it is a great year!
I think all of life is a learning experience, and most often that learning experience is about relationships with family, significant other, friends…and maybe this is just a personal belief, but I think your number one focus at any one moment is the person who needs you most, or whom you need most. Sometimes it is your BFF, most of the time, it is Nate. I think if you really have good, worthwhile people in your life, they understand the ebb and flow of neediness and who you need to focus on.
I think you are a great wife and that is a sweet letter!
Thank you Emmy. You've been especially helpful and sweet. I love you! <3
aww, this is such a fantastic post Stephanie and rings so true. I too remember my first year or two of marriage being pretty challenging at times. But we definitely got through it, it's brought us closer and strengthened our marriage… that much more. And it sounds like you guys are a really solid couple + SO adorable!
xx veronika
PS loved your onesie comment on my blog. I've never thought of it that way before -haha, SO funny. 😉
Thank you Veronika! It’s always nice to hear that other married couples have had their share of trials and have gotten through them. 🙂
And haha, yeah- adult onesies. I’ll never forget her face as my friend asked me about them with a shocked look on her face. Baahaha.
Happy belated birthday Nate!!!
The way you talk about how marriage isnt easy thru the letter and with your 365 photos is very refreshing and honest. I’m so totally jealous that you’ve found someone at such a young age, but considering all you two have overcome it gives me hope.
Thanks Erica. I really really try to be as real as possible with everything without being *too* detailed, because it's definitely hard at times and I think people deserve to see the good and the bad in our project/my blog. I don't think perfect is that interesting.