Nate snuck this picture of us on Sunday evening be Nate snuck this picture of us on Sunday evening before the preterm labor madness began the very next night. I love it. All four of my boys in one photo.💙 

I really thought that the next time I sat down on this couch I would be recovering from a c-section with my babies still at the hospital in the NICU. I’m so thankful to be able to let them grow and get stronger for a little while longer, however long that may be, and to be able to be at home for now.

I appreciate all of your prayers and sweet words of encouragement. 💕
33 + 2 💙 Preterm labor with the twins. A lot of 33 + 2 💙 Preterm labor with the twins. A lot of scary stuff, a lot of pain, a lot of what the hell is going on. But we are hanging in there and I distracted myself by putting on some makeup today to feel a little more human. I haven’t even walked since late Monday night and I’m feelin’ all sorts of horrible. But our village has surrounded us in all the ways we’ve needed and I’m so thankful. 💙 As usual, we are coping with humor so at least there’s laughter in this hospital room.
Feeling extra, extra thankful this year for what a Feeling extra, extra thankful this year for what a great Dad this man is to our boys! He is definitely the fun parent! The one who plays the most, the one who books the trips where we make all of the memories, the one who makes time for them even when he’s exhausted and running on no sleep. And on top of it all, he’s been taking care of me and doing my share of the parenting when he can. I can’t wait to see him with all four of our boys, so soon! 💙💙💙💙
I’m sorry, CAN YOU EVEN? 😍 Look at those chee I’m sorry, CAN YOU EVEN? 😍 Look at those cheeks and lips! All together, I am carrying around 9 lbs 10 oz of baby right now, friends. They are almost identical in size, both have tons of hair, are moving like crazy, and baby A is still breech. So send thoughts and prayers that he will flip back to being head down! 32 weeks feels so close to the end and yet so far. #32weekspregnant #pregnantwithtwins #twinpregnancy
Feeling so thankful today for 12 years of marriage Feeling so thankful today for 12 years of marriage to my soulmate. I wouldn’t want to live this life alongside anyone else. It doesn’t mean it’s always easy, but it *is* easy to focus on all of the good parts with you. 💕💍 I love you, Nate!!
All of the cuddles for this tired mama. 🥰 I’l All of the cuddles for this tired mama. 🥰 I’ll never know how I got this lucky.  It’s pretty surreal to be cuddling one sweet boy and watching my other little one play, all while getting served kicks and punches by two more! ✨
Happy June 1st! ✨ I was looking through old phot Happy June 1st! ✨ I was looking through old photos and came across this one. It was my birthday. I was 4 months postpartum and starting to feel like myself again. We were getting ready to move into our beautiful new home. 

The person in this photo could’ve never imagined the pandemic ahead, the stress of Landon starting kindergarten virtually, trying to keep it together/focus on work, Nate’s stressful job and paramedic class, family illness, etc etc. 

I was pretty sure we were done having babies. I never imagined the whirlwind of finding out we were expecting.. and then experiencing that loss… only to find out our rainbow BABIES (x2) are on the way. And now, it’s *almost* time to meet them! 

It feels like such a transition period right now. There’s so much to look forward to but there are also just so many things going on that feel heavy and difficult. The world is full of chaos and it feels harder and harder to protect my children in it. I’m tired and anxious. My patience is thin. I don’t always feel like a “fun mom” (or wife) right now. But I’m also just so thankful to be here - married to a wonderful man, building this crazy life together, trying my best to do it all with a happy heart at 30 weeks pregnant. 😅

I’m so ready to snuggle my twin babies and see them together with their brothers, to get into a routine, to lay on a blanket in the backyard with all of them during a cookout with friends, to start having date nights again with Nate, to go on walks downtown again… to feel like myself again.. just like we did on this day. 💓
Last day as a First Grader!!! 🥳 So proud of my Last day as a First Grader!!! 🥳 So proud of my smart, resilient, and kind little boy. Looking forward to a summer of fun with my boys!
Sometimes you just have to laugh through the stuff Sometimes you just have to laugh through the stuff that feels difficult in the moment. Like trying to get your feet up high enough on pillows so they’ll stop swelling (because you’ve been sitting at a computer all day) while simultaneously realizing you’re now stuck on your back like a turtle. When I opened my camera and saw looking this looking back at me I literally LOL’d at the sight. #pregnantwithtwins #iamletired
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Baby, Baby # 2, Landon, Motherhood, Pregnancy · April 15, 2019

My Struggle With Postpartum Anxiety

Landon's Birth 5-14-2015
I have always had anxiety so when I had my first baby, I expected to experience motherhood in the same way that I’ve always experienced life – a little bit anxiously. And I did. I didn’t have postpartum depression. I knew what to watch for and I truly felt that I did not have that. I expected the anxiety to come and it did, like a tidal wave. I would try to quiet it when it was at its worst. I convinced myself that I was being overprotective and that everything I felt was being magnified by hormones.

But the truth is that it didn’t matter whether I was being overprotective or irrational. There were things that gave me extremely painful and debilitating anxiety and instead of saying, “Hey I’m sorry, we just can’t have visitors right now.” or “I am really just uncomfortable with kids holding/touching my baby. Period.” or “No, I’m going to hold him. He isn’t going to be passed around.” – I said nothing. In my own home, I would leave the room to go upstairs alone and sob because more than 1 or 2 people visiting at a time made me sweat profusely and watching other kids (whom I love dearly) hold him and touch/kiss his face and hands made me nearly break out in hives. I would politely and timidly remind anyone who held him not to do that but rarely felt heard. And instead of speaking up, I hid and felt ashamed of myself. Ashamed that I was upset by these things and equally ashamed that maybe it was ok to be upset by these things but that I couldn’t bring myself to say anything about it. I was at war with myself in my own head, “It’ll be fine. You’re being crazy. Just get over it.”

And then Landon contracted a rare disease at 10 weeks old that has a very short period of time for diagnosis and treatment – Kawasaki Disease. We were lucky to have a pediatric hospital nearby that knew the signs but even still, they didn’t diagnose him until the last possible day for treatment. It is difficult for me to talk about the 11 days we spent in the hospital and the what-ifs and the almosts that took place during that time. With any little change in location, doctors, specialists, or timing I could be writing a completely different story about how I never got to know my son.

But we were blessed, lucky, and all of the other words that describe what it feels like to stare down the barrel of a gun and come out of it feeling like God intervened at the last possible second. I’m in KD survivor groups full of parents that can’t say the same and it breaks my heart every day.

After Landon was treated with IVIG in the hospital he had to take baby aspirin daily for quite a while and we were advised to keep him away from crowds/germs/kids because if he were to get sick while taking the aspirin it could cause Reye’s Syndrome. So basically the ongoing treatment of his enlarged arteries could potentially be fatal if he got sick. Comforting, right?

I was not the same for a while after all of that and my anxiety certainly skyrocketed, but now there was a buffer. He was sick and people knew that. He was having regular ECHOs and had to have a heart cath to rule out a potentially hidden aneurysm. Thankfully he grew and things leveled out. He went off the aspirin, he received vaccines, he never had an aneurysm, and we were released from the cardiologist for a few years unless something concerning came .

Now here we are again with baby number two due any day. I am faced with the same anxious thoughts and fears magnified times a million but I will not let myself feel ashamed this time. I cannot worry about anyone else’s feelings. Irrational, overprotective, crazy – I won’t call myself those things this time. I won’t suffer in silence. I know that no one asked me to the first time.

No one knows what causes Kawasaki Disease and we will likely never know why he got it. I have to accept that there is nothing I could’ve done to prevent it. I know that at my core. But it doesn’t change my anxiety. It doesn’t change what I need in terms of postpartum care and it’s ok that what I need looks completely different from what someone else needs more info at Heartwood States.

I’m sharing all of this in hopes that it will help other new moms out there who may be struggling to validate themselves and their feelings. If you know you need something, ask for it. People won’t know how to help you unless you tell them. Don’t be afraid to say it because someone might take it the wrong way or you read that everyone else does x, y, z and it’s totally fine. So often as women we expect others to “get” what we need and we feel like we have to please everyone else. Not right now, not during this time. Take care of yourself and your mental health, whatever that means for YOU.


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In: Baby, Baby # 2, Landon, Motherhood, Pregnancy · Tagged: Advice, Motherhood, Postpartum Anxiety, Slider

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